Archive for the ‘strange’ category

“Irritabelle,” the Viberzi Woman…

July 10, 2017


I find people with their internal organs visible disquieting, unless of course they are zombies, in which case you expect that kind of thing, and it’s part of the desired effect.  When said people with visible internal organs jabber and cling, they can be downright annoying, however.  Zombies at least just growl and make noises while they’re trying to eat you.

Submitted for your approval is Irritabelle, the Viberzi commercial woman. Now Irritabelle wears a flesh-colored body suit that’s non-descript except for the imprint of her lower gastrointestinal tract.  Yes, I know, pretty soon all of the young and fashion-conscious will be wearing them.  Irritabelle hangs around her greater self at such places as the market, the office, the bedroom, the beach,  the store, and the doctor’s office, promising the woman she’s part of such sought-after things as abdominal pain and diarrhea, and almost gleefully dragging the woman she dogs off to the bathroom.  She’s a bit of a cut-up too, even wearing an improvised cape at the doctor’s office like a demented superhero…colon girl, perhaps.  Irritabelle and the Lactaide cow whose milk messes with you would probably get along famously.  A show starring the Cow and the Colon would probably beat most reality television.

At any rate, as the personification for Irritable Bowel Sydrome in a commercial for a remedial medication, Irritabelle seems to have plenty of get-up-and-go.  Never has a “gut leotard” looked this good!

 

Dentists Where Not Expected…

June 7, 2017

It’s said that the most terrifying thing that you could find on your doorstep after midnight is a clown, simply because they don’t belong there. Wouldn’t you find it equally creepy to be broken down on a desert road, and have a dentist approach to render aid, clad in a crisp professional white jacket? How about being lost on a wooded trail, and have a dentist appear to lead you to safety, again wearing his white clinical coat? How about being stuck in an elevator, to have a dentist appear prying the doors open?

These are the scenarios in three recent commercials for Aspen Dental, featuring dentists as the proverbial fish out of water, appearing unexpectedly in all kinds of atypical places to render help. Supposedly this is because Aspen is a different kind of dental clinic with different kinds of dentists. But for me, this is all strangely unnatural, someone terribly out of place who we aren’t happy to see even in their proper domain. Steven King could have dreamed these scenarios up for one of his horror stories.

“Open wide,” says the dentist as he pries apart the elevator doors. Conditioned from times in the dental chair, two of three elevator occupants gape their mouths open: how quickly we are trained!  In yet another commercial of the series, a dentist foils a bank robbery, only to have bank patrons throw their wallets at his feet as if he were in on the heist.  Come to think of it, I’ve surrendered more than a little of my money at dental offices, although voluntarily and under legal circumstances.

I’m more accustomed to see dentists portrayed as villains: the ex-Nazi dentist of Marathon Man, for example, or the sadistic dental practitioner of Little Shop of Horrors. If dentists continue to crop up portrayed as unlikely heroes, perhaps “Molar Man” will eventually join the Marvel or DC universes.  I shudder at the thought…

 


Kraft’s “Assume Nothing” Lobster Commercial

September 11, 2016

 

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In a brief surreal commercial for Kraft Foods, we are introduced to Bill, who assumed that an event was a costume party, attending it in a full lobster suit. – – Don’t you hate it when that happens?!  Hapless Bill even inadvertently clouts a woman with a claw when he turns; wouldn’t that make for an interesting lawsuit?  Like Bill, I can relate to social embarrassments, being a fox out of the woodlands myself; the faux pas is my life.

Bill also assumed that his mayo was the best, when Kraft olive oil mayo delivers the taste with half the calories of the competition.  “Assume Nothing!,” we are counseled by the advertiser.  While these are words to live by, this is not to advocate unconditional buying into conspiracy theories despite the fact that it’s an election year…

“Mystery Lights” on Monsters & Mysteries Unsolved

July 31, 2016

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Unexplained lights of unknown origin, mystery lights appear without warning or explanation, and were featured in a recent episode of Monsters and Mysteries:  Unsolved.

…Marfa, Texas, for example, is considered a mystery light “hotspot.” While the glowing orbs usually appear bouncing around on the horizon, in a 1994 incident the Marfa lights appeared to chase a moving vehicle, leading some to speculate that there was an intelligence behind them. Dr. James Bunnell, a former NASA engineer and Marfa lights researcher, has constructed autonomous viewing stations, and feels that the lights represent a chemical process going on.

On Brown Mountain, North Carolina, lights have been seen for hundreds of years, and have been considered spiritual, a kind of residual haunting. A more scientific perspective is that granite deposits in the mountain create electromagnetic fields that power the phenomena in a piezoelectric fashion. Dr. Dan Caton, an astronomer at the Dark Sky Observatory, considers the lights to be related to ball lightning. Footage captured by paranormal researcher Joshua Warren on Brown Mountain was examined by Dr. Onad of Princeton University, who thought the light source high energy, and possibly related to gamma or x-rays.

Lights have also been associated with earthquake activity in places like Japan. Dr. Freund in studying the phenomena there found that rocks produce electric current when deformed and pressured.

Mystery Lights in the sky have been studied by Project Hessdaler in Norway for over two decades. The lights are found to interact with the landscape in strange ways, and to move like anything known on Earth. This leads us to a UFO connection, with author Nick Redfern noting that WWII fighters saw luminous “foo fighters” felt to exhibit intelligence. Many pilots since have witnessed mystery lights. In an example cited, Dr. Torres in Manston, England in 1957 engaged a target at 32,000 feet; although himself traveling at almost Mach 1, the target eluded him, and was estimated to be moving at Mach 10. The pilot was told not to talk about his mission, which was finally declassified in 2006.

So whether you believe that mystery lights in the skies are a natural process, spiritual, or of extraterrestrial origin, heed the advice of 1950’s sci fi movies, and watch the skies! Doing so has got to be better than watching reality TV, right?  

Roadkill Raps in Bosch Commercial!

December 24, 2015

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It’s Michael Jackson’s Thriller meets the British show Mongrels in a dark and bizarre commercial spot for Bosch’s Icon wiper blades sponsored by the Humane Society called, “Don’t Be A Roadkill Car.”  

A quintet of road-slaughtered animals brings home the message that better wiper blades by facilitating your vision might have prevented their gruesome demise.  Meet Frank the Squirrel, who peels his flattened and protesting self off the road surface to demonstrate a still impressive set of vocal chords.  He is joined by Buck the Deer, Francesca Fox, Streetz the Skunk, and a tire-marked rabbit.  I found Francesca especially compelling in how she could extend up her severed head in her own paws.  They’ve all clearly seen much better days, but are doing their best undead service for Bosch blades and animal preservation.  It’s a gutsy commercial, literally and figuratively…

The commercial/public service announcement pushes the envelope, and is likely to shock if not revolt some viewers; their performance and their singing will, however, likely stick in your head!  As a year-round fan of Halloween and horror, these singing furry zombies with a message furnished me with a perfect antidote for the Xmas merchandising we’ve been relentlessly exposed to since October…I’d buy their album!

 

Tums Hot Dog Campsite Attack!

September 7, 2015

 

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They bay at the moon, and attack your campsite in a pack, like wolves…the creepy, four-limbed, human sized hot dogs in a recent Tums commercial, that is! Brandishing a burning stick in one hand and his Tums package like a cross before a vampire, our intrepid camper is able to drive the marauding processed meats off.  Such is life in the Twilight Zone of the food chain…(shudders)

Be afraid, be very afraid…Tums has lately alarmed us with tales of assaultive meat foods that have included chicken wings, a nightmarish headless barbecued chicken, sky-diving meatballs, and what appeared to be a very angry corned beef sandwich.  It’s enough to make me want to add additional countermeasures to my existing zombie defense network…

Geico Water Hazard Monster!

September 3, 2015

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Golf tends not to be especially thrilling as a spectator sport, but it could be enlivened considerably by making the water hazards truly hazardous, say by putting a Kraken into the water!  Golfer Bill in a recent Geico commercial is having a truly bad round when an enormous tentacle whips out of the water and ensnares him, the golfer flailing helplessly against its iron grip.

The sportscasters in the face of this spectacle are unflappable, commenting in whispered tones about how the golfer’s five iron may not be enough club to handle this situation; he’s gonna lose a stroke on this one!  More of the Kraken then becomes  visible for inspection, and it is truly a beast of Lovecraftian proportions; now this is a sporting event!  Still nonplussed, the sportscasters continue to comment in whispered tones; it’s what they do

I’d pull up a chair and pay to see golf matches like this!  With quicksand, scorpions, and rattlesnakes, perhaps we could also lend new meaning to tired old golf course “sand traps.”- – Now that’s entertainment!