Archive for the ‘scalies’ category

Geico’s “Alligator Arms”

March 30, 2016

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I love Chinese food, and so apparently do some alligators.  Following lunch at a Chinese place with some human companions, it’s check time.  “Whoa whoa whoa, I got this!,” declares the ‘gator as he makes a token effort to reach the check.  Limited by his short arms, the reptile never gets there; “I can’t reach it,” he submits.  “When you have short arms, you avoid picking up the check,” declares the announcer.  “It’s what you do.”  If you want to save up to 15% on car insurance, you switch to Geico…it’s what you do.

Conveniently, a male companion, Dennis, gathers up the check, and is thanked by the reptile.  Not one to waste food, the ‘gator then gobbles down the remainder of the meal in one practiced gulp.  “Oh, that is good crispy duck!,” he announces with gluttonous satisfaction.  Waste not, want not, I suppose…

Snickers “Godzilla” Commercial…

July 16, 2014

 

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Godzilla, as we learn in a Snickers commercial, is an alright dude!  We are shown footage of the big guy in just slightly larger than human form, hanging at the beach, riding four wheelers, playing ping-pong, and making the scene at a party.- – What a party animal!

Godzilla’s actually pretty cool!,” comments one male party-goer to his friend.  “Except when he’s hungry,” corrects the buddy.  Then the footage cuts to Godzilla in full rampage, hundreds of feet tall and blasting cars airborne with his breath.  Fortunately, someone in the crowd knows the remedy for this situation, and lobs Godzilla a Snickers bar. – – He eats the morsel, gets a blissful expression on his massive face, and then suddenly…Party Godzilla is back, water skiing and blending happily into human society again!  

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry, we are told. Studies have shown that hunger and anger can be linked. Maybe then the answer to unrest in the Middle East and elsewhere is simply to bombard the combatants with Snickers bars…heck, diplomacy doesn’t seem to be doing much, so make chocolate, not war!

Lizard Demon of Wood County…

May 29, 2014

 

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The lizard demon in question is a reptile-human hybrid featured in S1/Ep06 of Mountain Monsters who is bipedal, water-based, has gills, three toes, and a triple eyelid.  Yet another cryptid indigenous to West Virginia, he has also been seen in Kentucky, with sightings reported going back to the early 1900’s.  Standing about seven feet tall and weighing in at 300 to 400 pounds, the lizard demon travels up the Ohio River using it to move closer to farm ponds, eats cows and similar livestock, and has even been reported to chase cars!  Similar “lizard men” have been profiled on other paranormal shows.

The AIMS crew first interviewed an eyewitness called “JayBob” who reported seeing something about 7′ tall of dark green coloration that moved quickly.  He produced a trail camera photo that showed a side image of something that appeared scaly.  In their first night’s investigation, the West Virginian investigators saw a track made by something large and heavy.  Part of the team while investigating a cave saw movement above the cave which caused rock to become dislodged and fall.

A large snap door trap was then built by the next day, and baited with chicken.  A second eyewitness, a farmer named Mark, reported seeing a large scaly humanoid, later finding a triangular print.  A third eyewitness, an auctioneer called Bob, reported seeing an upright green creature with a lizard-type head.  He also saw a dead cow in the river with a chunk taken out of it, and movement was discerned although the creature disappeared in seconds.

On the second night and time of the final hunt, the team tried to flush the creature towards their trap by both land and water, finding a track almost a foot long on the land and the rib cage of some consumed animal in the water.  They supposedly spotted red eyes ahead in the water, shortly after seeing thermal images by a farmer’s barn.  A nest of sorts was found in the upper loft of that barn, and thermal imagery taken from the barn then showed something going into the creek.  Pursuing that amid the usual confusion and bad camera angles, noise was heard in the vicinity of the trap, which caused the team to pursue there and fire numerous rounds at something they felt they had heard in the water; so much for capturing it alive.  Predictably, nothing was hit…

…neither had their trap been sprung.  Trying to put a positive spin on things, the investigators claimed that they had scared the Lizard Demon off; macho posturing rules!  One can imagine the creature shaking in his green scaled boots over his narrow escape…

 

Fire Dragon of Pocahontas County…

May 3, 2014

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West Virginia seems to have more than its fair share of monsters, all of which are elusive. Following their by now familiar formula, in S2/Ep05 the “hardcore hunters and trappers” crew of Mountain Monsters” went in pursuit of a reptilian creature said to be 10 to 12 feet long and weighing in at about 1,000 lbs. The reptilian is drawn by heat, and can frequent the water as well as dry land, using waterways to get around.

Reports of the fire dragon go back to the 1920’s, when it was spotted by train conductors and even said to have attacked old steam engines. The Mountain Monsters crew first interviewed an eyewitness, “Bub,” who while fishing caught a glimpse of something with a big mouth and red eyes which stood up on its hind legs. During the first night’s investigation, the crew saw fecal droppings, thought they heard the creature, and saw fresh water marks left by something. Hearing shots, the crew encountered an area resident, “Chester,” who claimed that the creature knocked the chimney off his cabin in pursuit of heat; claw marks were seen.

The team then constructed a drop-door water trap in which they would later use a floating fire pit as a lure for the creature. Two fisherman were then interviewed whose boat was rammed on the Cranberry River; punctures and battering damage to the boat’s hull was examined. A hunter, “Grizz,” presented a video he took that showed a brief image of something matching the dragon’s description seen in the distance of the footage.

On their final night’s hunt, the team split and tried to drive the creature off land and into water towards their trap. They found a trail from an area where it had apparently bedded down as well as a hibernation hole into which a member of the crew fell.  A thermal image was seen on a brush pile, and while closing on it the team ran across two individuals on a four wheeler fleeing from their camp which something had destroyed. Concluding that the dragon had reached water, the team went downstream by land and water in the direction of their trap, arriving to find it torn apart and ablaze. They concluded that the fire dragon had been so energized by the fire near and upon the trap that he was able take out the side of it and escape. The fire dragon was pronounced to be “one bad-ass monster.

In next week’s episode, the Mountain Monsters crew will go in pursuit of “Sheepsquatch.”  I think we can all imagine how that’s going to go…

 

Godzilla Resurrection!

April 28, 2014

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I have a confession to make; I’ve always loved Godzilla, ever since the days that he appeared in badly-dubbed Japanese movies and was obviously played by someone in a rubber suit!  Godzilla fans have endured a variety of outrages over the years, including a series of increasingly lame and outrageous adversaries (e.g., the “Smog Monster”), bad storylines, and even alteration of the character’s gender. The last major studio film treatment in 1998 portrayed Godzilla as an iguana-like creature, focused on a human love story, and was almost universally hated by fans.  It appeared that Godzilla might have fallen to bad treatment rather than an oxygen destroyer, but we who believe have maintained our faith.

The upcoming reboot of the Godzilla franchise by Gareth Edwards promises to take Godzilla back to his 1954 roots.  Co-produced by Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. under license from Toho, the new movie will be live action while Godzilla will be computer-generated.  Unlike the 1998 film, Godzilla will again fight several monsters rather than just the military.  The opponent monsters, referred to as “mutos,” will fly and be multi-limbed.  Godzilla himself will stand 350′ tall, the biggest incarnation ever.

The plot should delight conspiracy theorists.  It seems that Godzilla’s existence has been covered up by the U.S. government (like aliens, ‘ya know), and nuclear tests of the 1950’s were actually attempts to kill the creature.  Godzilla’s face is supposedly modeled on elements of features of bears, dogs, and eagles.  The big guy’s fighting style is based on that of bears and komodo dragons.  His roar is the original one pioneered by Toho, with improvements and enhancements.

Godzilla is conceived as “a terrifying force of nature,” and his kung fu should be the best.  He’ll be stomping his way into theaters this May, hopefully a monster for our times…

 

 

Skunk Ape, Pascagoula Aliens, and Lizard Man…

January 20, 2014

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— We’ve heard accounts of the Skunk Ape and the Lizard Man before, but Monsters and Mysteries in America recently bundled these two cryptids together with a tale of the Pascagoula Aliens to give us an hour’s entertainment. Unlike other series to have presented these topics before, Monsters & Mysteries tends not to present many scientific theories or opinions, or to send out an investigative team in search of the truth; reported occurrences and events together with eyewitness accounts are utilized.

Central Florida is the second most common site for hairy hominids in America, rated only after the Pacific Northwest. Rumors of the Skunk Ape came alive in the 1960’s, with the foul-smelling creature’s odor likened to road kill. Three reported sightings were reported, including one by an advanced scout on Gilcrest Island in 1961. In Niyakka State Park, a “large, thick, hairy creature” was also caught on video walking through tall grass. Something ape-like is indeed discernible on the video, although it is so distant that precise identification is impossible.

Then in Pascagoula, Mississippi in 1973, two workers fishing after work claimed to have been abducted by aliens. Hickson (age 42) and Parker (age 19) reported hearing a buzzing noise that was followed by a blue light and a glowing sphere; the duo were paralyzed, and were levitated by three aliens into a spacecraft where they were suspended in air, and examined by some kind of scanner that resembled an eye. They regained awareness back on the ground, and reported the incident to a sheriff, who secretly tape recorded their interrogation. The sheriff was impressed by the sincerity of the two men, who held to the same story for forty years. Another sighting by a different party also took place that same night.

In Bishopville, South Carolina in Scape Ore Swamp in July of 1988, an attack occurred on Chris Davis, a 17-year-old male who when changing a tire perceived a large humanoid approaching his car. Escaping in his car, the young man reported that the Lizard Man jumped on the roof of his car, riding along with the moving vehicle while pounding at the windshield with three-fingered, clawed hands. He was able to throw the creature off the vehicle, but it continued to run after the car for a time at speeds of up to 35 mph. The offending Lizard Man was green, stood about 7′ tall, and had red eyes. Damage to vehicles has also been credited to the creature, with more than a dozen sightings reported…believe it, or not!

 

The Lake Murray Monster…

December 12, 2013

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– – A recent episode of Haunted Highway on the Syfy channel sent the two-person investigative team of Devin and Jael to Lake Murray in South Carolina in the U.S. This large lake, ranging in depths of over 200 feet, has had accounts dating back to the 1930’s of a large, unidentified aquatic creature about 40 to 60 feet long with a snake-like body and scales the size of a hand. Many reported appearances of the beast have been with accompanying acts of aggression towards the observers, including boats being struck. It is considered a kind of cousin to the Loch Ness monster, and is nicknamed “Messie.”

Taking a boat out into the lake, the investigative team saw a large shadow in the water which disappeared. They then went to Dreher Island in the lake, where something struck the boat hard enough to shake it. The team then went for a night dive off Dreher Island, although the murkiness of the lake limited visibility to several feet under water. A “Deep Trekker” camera was later sent underwater, loosing its video feed at one point, but later resuming it to capture a blurry image of something large moving through the water. An expert later consulted by the team regarded the image captured to be that of a large sturgeon.

Some eyewitnesses reported having seen the Lake Murray beast over the years, with those who maintain having seen it in an incident about two years ago describing it as definitely not looking like an eel or a sturgeon…so as with so many similar cases, the Lake Murray Monster remains elusive, and the current investigation report was inconclusive…