Archive for the ‘animal spokepersons’ category

Charmin Bears “Ultra Soft” Commercial…

September 29, 2017

As I have posted before, I worry about the Charmin Bears…seriously!  I think that we need to get the psychoanalysts in here, because their attraction to a product line transcends the normal and healthy, and borders on some kind of strange anal eroticism that is cringe-worthy, a place where I’d really prefer not to go.  

In their Ultra Soft commercial, the entire bear family is sitting around their living room with “bedroom eyes,” listening to romantic music while caressing the product…and there is some serious stroking going on here!  Some of the family is even rubbing the toilet paper on their face with ecstatic expressions while the strains of “Unchained Melody” swell. — Isn’t this a bit “over the top?”

Momma Bear would seem to think so, with the music finally screeching to a halt and the matriarch declaring, “OK now, this is starting to get a little weird!”  More than a little, I would say…one does not cuddle with toilet paper.  I love peanut butter, but I wouldn’t want to marry it…

Mr. Whipple, our troubled Trumpland nation turns its lonely eyes to you!  Only you can sort out and make right what’s gone wrong with toilet paper advertising!


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Kia Soul Turbo Hamster…

September 8, 2017

We haven’t seen the Kia Soul hamsters in a while, and this newest arrival…diapered, and fresh out of a hospital delivery ward…runs like a gazelle!  Pursued by hospital staff, the little dickens leads all on a merry chase down the corridors, never missing a step and maintaining a healthy lead.  Passing through a variety of hospital locales including a kitchen, the little speedster winds up on an elevator where he raises a finger to his nose to admonish an observing little girl not to inform on him. Finally grabbing a sheet to serve as a parachute, he vaults off the top floor of the hospital, descending to land in the back seat of a turbo Kia Soul passing on the street below.  

The baby hamster’s name, naturally, is Turbo…and set to the music of Motorhead’s 1980 song, Ace of Spades, the diminutive speedster proves that timing in life is everything… 

Nigel the Wise Owl…

March 28, 2017

 

Owls have long held our respect and are associated with wisdom, and they are increasingly being used as advertising icons.  Their presence in the Harry Potter movies further spiked their popularity to the extent that some misguided people sought them as pets…bad idea, at least for most people!  

Recently used memorably to sell eyewear for one company, owls have now entered the rather competitive allergy medication OTC market.  Enter then Nigel the Xyzal Wise Owl, pictured above.  This feathered guy has class; in one spot, he’s shown in a library with books, wearing a natty jacket, a monocle, and speaking with a British accent! Clearly, this guy is no flyweight, and knows his stuff; he appears to have the right credentials.

With many allergy medications having transitioned from prescription to over-the-counter status, recruiting a feathered sage with the voice of authority like Nigel might help carve out a niche for another product…

Mooscles Jr. Applegate Commercial…

June 28, 2016

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Cows seem to be going through an advertising renaissance lately.  There are the CGI cows of the Lactaid commercials, or if you prefer, the disturbing man-cows in minimal bovine fursuits who frequent the meat department of supermarkets in the Applegate “the cleaner weiner” ads.

Now I hope that they pay these guys well…I really do! The bodybuilder cow shuffles out and asks a female shopper if she’s “looking for quality meat.” Surprised, she looks up, beholds the manly cow, and gasps, “Ahh…I think I found it!”

Yeah, you did,” responds the cow with a grin, alternately flicking his pecs in confirmation. At this point, you begin to feel that you are watching some kind of exceedingly strange, naughty movie. It’s stuff like this that can give furries a bad name…

Wow…my family prefers our beef all-natural,” adds the woman shyly. “Yeah, mine too,” agrees the cow. “Right, son?,” he adds. At this point, the camera angle changes to show another equally beefy cow barely fitting into the seat of a shopping cart. “All natural,” he chimes in.

“They grow up so quickly!,” comments the first cow about his offspring, “Mooscles Jr.” All that remains is for the announcer at the end of the commercial to add, “Moo!” The advertising world has truly grown stranger than we can imagine…

Lactaid’s “Karate Cow” Commercial

June 8, 2016

She’s back, and she’s udderly wonderful…the Lactaid’s “mess with you” lactose cow for the lactose-intolerant, that is!  

Our scene begins with a couple eating ice cream in a dimly-lit living room.  From out of nowhere, we hear a martial arts cry. — Why, it’s the Lactose Cow ready to mess with the lactose-intolerant!  She strikes a pose, and then there is a flurry of flailing and karate-chopping hooves as she advances dramatically to the ice cream eaters on the couch.  “Right…in…your…STOMACH!,” the cow announces as the guy visibly recoils.  But alas, the cow is unable to resist a bit of showmanship.  “Watch this!,” she declares as she launches into a vaulting maneuver, at the exact second that the Lactaid Cow opens the French doors, sending the charged up bovine tumbling outside.  Once again, she was unable to mess with the lactose intolerant; pity!  

Now I think that this energetic cow might be the ideal running mate for Hillary Clinton.  She’d bring excitement and charisma to Hillary’s campaign, and could settle Donald Trump’s hash.  We’d have a furry a heartbeat away from the presidency…works for me! 

The Lactaid Cow in, “Annoying Milk”

June 1, 2016


Anthropomorphic cows  so seldom appear in commercials that I’m glad to see one make an appearance, especially when they are a bit crazed.  In a recent Lactaid commercial, we are treated to an all too brief appearance from the Lactaid Cow’s deviant sister, Lactose Cow.

Now the Lactaid Cow is a beautiful blue and white creature, and as sweet as pie; she’s lovely, and I have nothing against her.    Her “annoying milk” alter ego, as pictured above, is black and white and quite hyper, full of energy and questions that she fires off in rapid fashion at her human company.  These are questions such as, “Why do people have eyebrows?  And why do they put milk on their cereal?  Are you reading about why people put milk on their cereal right now? And why does your stomach go, ‘rumbly, rumbly, rumbly?’”  Unfortunately at that moment, this marvelous creature is lassoed and hauled off by the Lactaid Cow, who takes her place and won’t give the lactose-intolerant anything but serenity and dietary support; she won’t “mess with you.”  

Well and good, but where others see annoyance, I see opportunity.  This so-called annoying milk cow would fit in with Warner Bros. creations, and could make a wonderfully demented childrens’ show host, kind of like Pee-Wee Herman in cowhide.  She just needs the proper vehicle to propel her to stardom, and they don’t need to change a thing about her!  Heck, give her a sitcom, called something like “My Neighbor the Cow” or “The Cow that Came To Dinner”( wait, scratch that second one)!  Anyways, I’d pull up a chair to watch this bovine comedian.  I hope we haven’t seen the last of her, ’cause this cow’s no milk dud…the Lactaid Cow may have your back, but her twisted sister’s got my funnybone…

America’s Best Eyeglasses Owl…

January 24, 2016


Owls have always had a popular following, representing as they do wisdom, knowledge, and learning.  Their popularity may have been further bolstered by their use in the Harry Potter books and movies.  

Recently an articulate and fine specimen has emerged as a spokesman for the America’s Best Eyeglasses line, suitably bespectacled and able to model different frames simply by an uncanny rotation of his head. The owl himself is both wise and extraordinarily expressive, with a lot of eye and other facial movement. He is further able to cast the hapless human into mimicking the usual owl role, reducing them to single-word utterances of “who?” as he elaborates on virtues of the eyewear company.

If Harry Potter had an owl of this caliber at his side, it might have been easier for him to take on Voldemort…